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Chapter 19

Spike hesitated outside of Xander’s door. He could hear the human asleep inside; his heartbeat slow and even. Spike didn’t want to wake him up, but he wasn’t sleepy and his book was on the chair where he’d been reading in the sun earlier. Spike turned away, then back. He wanted his book, as he only had two chapters left. Decision made, Spike slowly pushed the door open. He heard Xander’s heart speed and his breathing quicken for two breaths.

“Spike?” came the sleepy voice from the bed.

“Yeah, mate. Sorry I woke you,” Spike stepped into the dark room and crossed to the chair.

“What’s up?” Xander said in fluent pillow.

“I just want my book. Go back to sleep.”

“You don’t have to.”

Spike picked up his book and paused. “Do what?”


“Well, I’m not sleepy, and it’s at a good part.”

Xander rolled to his side with his back to the room, and curled up around his pillow. “You can talk to me.”

“But you’re already asleep.”

“’m not. Not much.”

Spike chuckled. “Okay.” He sat on the chair. “What shall we talk about?”

Xander flopped an arm and patted the empty mattress. “Com’ ‘ere.”

Spike hesitated then went around the bed to sit down. “What’s up?”

“No,” Xander said and lifted the blanket. “Come here. Lonely.”

“Oh. Give me a second, let me get comfortable.”

“Not too comfy.”

“I’ll keep my hands above the covers,” Spike said with a smile.


Spike took off his boots, socks, and shirt, then slid under the covers. He lay with his hands under his head and watched the ceiling fan turn.  He listened as Xander’s breath deepened, but the young man did not fall asleep.

“Spike?” he finally said.

“Yeah, mate?”

“You said you’d tell me about Drusilla some time.”

Spike turned his head to look at Xander’s closed eye. “What brought this up?”

“Last night I was thinking about people I’ve lost. We’ve lost. Tonight, I was thinking about sex. About firsts: Anya.”

“I thought Faith was your first.”

“Yes… first sex. Not first… love making.”

"Why are you thinking about me and sex anyway, fancy me maybe?" Spike risked a joke.

"Wasn't. As if.” Xander calmly countered. “I was thinking about me and sex and the mental paths somehow crossed. Faith… Anya… you and Anya… you and… others… you and Drusilla.”

Spike could hear no anger or accusation in Xander’s voice when he mentioned his one time indiscretion. “I am sorry about that, Xander.”

“’bout what?”

“Anya, me, Magic Box.”

“Oh. It’s long over, Spike. We were on a break. ‘sides she was hot. I can’t blame you.”

“So, what lead you to thinking about Drusilla? You think she was my first?”

“I donno. Wasn’t thinking about that. I’m sure you had no trouble getting dates.”

Spike watched Xander breathe for a minute, wondering at the changes once more. The man wasn’t teasing or mocking. He honestly thought that.  “Dru was my first,” he confessed, looking away.

“Really?” Xander’s eye popped open. He studied Spike’s sharp profile in the dim light.

“Really. It was the Victorian era, mate. I barely had any idea what a woman looked like without clothes on. If it weren’t for the woodcuts in the family bible, I would’ve had less of a clue.”

“Damn. You were, how old? Thirty-five?”

“Oi! Twenty-six. Have I ever looked thirty-five? No.”

Xander giggled and closed his eye. “So you died a virgin yet you teased me about how little I got in high school.”

“I’m evil. It had to be done.”

Xander blew him a raspberry. “So, Drusilla, huh?”

Spike sighed. “My black princess. I more than made up for a breathing life of chastity in the first month, even.”

“How long?”

“Oh, one time we fucked for maybe three days straight.”

“Uh. No. I mean, how long were you together?”

“A hundred years, off and on.”

“I thought you were constantly together.”

“No. We’d have our spats and she’d send me away. The longest we were apart was a year. But we always came back together like two strong magnets.” The pain of the loss of Dru washed up anew and he pressed it down. “Sometimes I wake up alone and my first instinct is to find Dru and make sure she’s safe.”

“That sucks.”

Spike shrugged. “It’s not so bad any more.”

“When’s the last time you saw her?”

“Three years ago. I was up in Seattle on business when I felt someone following me.”


Spike had felt someone near, watching him all night. It was like an ache from a sword through his gut. It pained him, but at the same time it was oddly comforting.

He spent an hour at a bar, slowly sipping a drink and hoping his tail would show. When he grew impatient and left, turning toward the ocean, and attempting to led his stalker into the open by the docks. Once near the water, he ducked into an alley and waited atop a heavy machinery crate some ten feet into the shadows. Finally the ache grew stronger and a well-known silhouette appeared.

“You can’t hide from me. The fish will always whisper where you are.”

Spike felt his chest tighten and he jumped down from where he’d been perched. “Drusilla!”


“I didn’t think it was her dogging my steps. Don’t know why. I think maybe I didn’t want to be let down when it wasn’t her.”

Xander could hear the longing in his voice.


She glided down the dank alley towards him. “Did you bring me here because of our first date? Such a pretty boy you were. Effulgent.”

Spike stepped toward her, his hand out in the courtly gesture they’d always shared, but she wrapped her arms tightly about her black corseted bosoms and turned away with a pout. “Dru…” he said softly over the tightness in his throat.

“You’re effulgent again. You went and found it. Wrestled it from the ether for her. You swallowed it down and now it chokes you like the fog you were born in.”

“Yeah. It does, princess.”

“Not your princess.” She turned sad eyes on his slumped shoulders. “First Daddy, then you. Grandmummy came back and I was her mummy, then she left again. It was her sent me to you. And you, bad boy, played and gave me hope.” Drusilla was suddenly before him, glaring up into his face with all the spite she had.


“She mocked me for getting a soul. For getting it for Buffy. She reminded me that Angel had left her when he got his, too. Then Darla brought back and gone again. Poor Drusilla. All alone in the world. Truth be told, I was surprised she was still around. Pleased, but surprised. She gave me one of her cryptic warnings about Angel. I tried to tell him about it, but he never put as much store in her powers of seeing as I do. Stupid bloody fool never listens.”

Xander wondered again about the rift between them, but that was a conversation for another night. Spike closed his eyes, forced out a breath, then continued.


Spike looked into her eyes and once more saw the spark of the woman he loved under the evil and the madness. He reached for her as they had always reached for one another. “My princess…”

She hissed and her carefully painted nails dug deep furrows into his cheek. “Don’t, Spike! I asked you once to return to me and you held wood to my chest. She’s gone now, left you for cinders, and you’re all alone. Tried to play with Daddy like I did, but he’s gone, too.”

Spike ignored the blood running down his cheek and dripping onto his coat. He easily translated Dru’s babble. “Angel’s not gone. I saw him last week.”

“Daddy’s gone. Never coming back. Angelus is finally caged.”

He learned long ago to respect her visions. “What are you saying, Luv?”

“He doesn’t want to play vampire games any more. He wants to play house and own a doggie.” She giggled and whirled away. “He wants to play house with a doggie.”

“His girl? The werewolf?”

“Yeah. Only I know the secret.” She pouted again and plucked at her skirts.

“Tell me, Luv,” Spike coaxed. “If you care even a little?”

“If he doesn’t let the demon out for a run, the demon will take him out for a run.”

Spike pondered this. “If he ignores his nature?”

Drusilla nodded and her mad laugh bubbled up, sending a tingle down Spike’s spine. “The stars tell me. Something less than Angelus will kill daddy.”

“Oh,” Spike filed this away. “Dru, luv. Where have you been?”

“Everywhere. Children don’t taste the same everywhere. Remember Spike?”

Spike clenched his fists in his pockets at the upsurge of his soul. He looked away from her. “Yeah. In India they’re sharp from the spices on their skin.”

“In America they’re sluggish like lard from all the sugar. Remember the games, Spike? All the pretty, pretty games? The orphanage where we got some watchers too?”

Spike nodded, then lashed out at the crate beside him. It exploded into splinters and bubble wrap. Without realizing it, he snatched a broken board and clenched it in his fist until blood dripped from it.


“She reminded me of all the bloody, horrific fun we used to have. The innocents we corrupted together.” Spike paused and Xander studied his profile. “A part of me, Xander, wanted it back" he said softly. "Bloody hell, even after all the gnawing from my soul I just didn’t want to be lonely any more. A mad part of my mind wondered how much more evil I would have to do before my soul gave up and left me in peace. Or left me entirely.”


Drusilla waltzed over to him and lifted his shaking hand to her lips. Their eyes met as she licked the blood from his knuckles before holding the stake between them with a point at either end pressing their chests. Slowly, she licked her lips. “My Spike. My bold knight. You never really left me, did you? Come kiss me and let our dust mingle as our lips meet.”

Spike raised his other hand and pressed it to her cheek. “Dru, you mad thing, it would only kill me and not you. Your point’s not over your heart.”

“Oh,” she pouted. “It doesn’t beat, so I forget.”

Spike stepped back slightly and tossed the stake away. He pulled her into his arms before she could protest. Their hands were everywhere as they pushed at each other’s clothing. Spike wrapped his long fingers around her tiny waist and carried her to the rough wall. With remembered ease, he navigated under her complicated skirts and thrust inside her. She wept into his shoulder-length hair as he morphed to the demon and bit her neck, tasting again the blood of his sire.

He tasted youth and vigor and knew she’d killed a child this very night. He reached a hand down to where their bodies joined and twisted her clit in the way he well knew. She screamed and bit into his neck as they both came, feeding on the shared pleasure and angst.

Spike’s chest heaved as he met Drusilla’s still-yellow eyes. “You taste like sunshine, Spike,” she said sadly. “When I was a little girl, I liked to hold flowers to my cheeks and lick the pollen from my fingers. That’s gone.”

Spike let his softening cock slip from inside her. He placed her gently on her feet. He found his cast off t-shirt and carefully cleaned his emissions from her thighs. Reverently, he placed a kiss at her moist center and lowered her skirts, soothing them over her narrow hips. He re-pinned a lock of her hair and rubbed a bit of blood from her chin before pressing his forehead to hers.

“Drusilla. You will always be in my heart.”

“And your soul.”

“Yes. In my soul. I do admit there are times I wish I could cast it aside and go back to our days of play…”

“But you never will. I tried to ignore the stars but they’re too loud.”

Spike pulled back. “Good bye, Dru,” he said softly. He took one last in her mad brown eyes, at the woman he loved once last time, then picked up his coat and headed back to the empty room he was calling home.


“I couldn’t resist and I had her again, up against the wall, with all the passion and blood of the old days. God, it’d been so long. I should have killed her. I knew it was the just and right thing to do, but I’ve never been a sodding white hat. I loved her too much. Sometimes I hear news reports of missing children and wonder just where in the world she is. Feel bloody rotten about it, but I could never kill the one person who ever so totally loved me. Makes me feel like maybe one day I could be loved like that again.”

Xander knew that emptiness, the desire to be with a lost lover again. He envied Spike this opportunity which he could never have.

Spike heard Xander sniffle and looked over at him. He caught the warm brown eye brimming with tears before the big man rolled over and out of bed. “Be right back, gotta pee,” he muttered.

Spike rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes, dashing away the tears there. Damn the boy for stirring things up. Still, it was good to have someone to talk to about such things. Hell, at this rate, I should maybe refund part of my pay… Nah.

Xander went to the bathroom and closed the door. He looked himself in the eye and considered what he’d heard. Spike is lonely, as lonely as I am. For some reason, he had never considered this. Since he’d come back, he hadn’t seen any signs that the vampire was anything but happy in his role of lone wolf soldier for hire. Xander felt his stomach do a little flip, but pushed any notion of an idea of that flavor away. Spike is my friend, my pal, my fighting partner, nothing else. Xander blew his nose, relieved himself, and looked himself in the eye as he washed his hands. Just like Anthony was… Xander’s brow bunched angrily and he snapped off the light, ridding himself of the treacherous Xander who was feeding him such comparisons before memories of the lean body pinned beneath him earlier could resurface.

When Xander came back, the bedside light was on and Spike was sitting against the headboard with his book open before him.

Wordlessly, Xander climbed into bed and made himself comfortable with his back to the vampire without looking at him. After fifteen minutes passed and Spike still hadn’t turned a page, Xander rolled over and sat up. He looked Spike straight in the eye. “You don’t have to wake up alone if you don’t want to,” he said in an almost commanding tone.


“Yeah. You can stay in here with me if you want. If I want to be alone, I’ll tell you and you do the same. The bed’s big enough and it doesn’t mean anything other than camaraderie, okay?” Xander babbled.

“Thanks, Xander.”

Xander abruptly turned his back again and pulled up the covers. “Don’t thank me.” He said briskly. “I’m being selfish for once. I'd been meaning to ask you if you wanted to stay once in a while. I just remembered to.” He fluffed his pillow and settled down. “And keep those cold feet off of me!”

“Yes, Xander." Spike happily picked up his book to read for real. "Dear.”

On to Chapter 20

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