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Nominated for Lullaby Award (songfic) at Bedtime Story awards.


BtVS - Somewhere between mid-season four and mid-season five.

Song Fic

Spike & Xander

Rated: PG


For some slash, see the R rated sequels.

Candy Perfume Boys Series.

Candy Perfume Boy


Is Spike Being Zen?

It was one of those rare cloudy, rainy days in California. The sun had not shown itself in force all day and many barely noticed when the sun set. Xander dabbled a finger in the wet rings from his beer glass and pondered the lyrics of the Madonna song blasting to the few patrons hanging out at the Bronze on this rainy weeknight. A shadow crossed his table and he looked up, expecting his order of wings, and hoping for a friend. Instead, he got Spike.

“Having fun?” The vampire wheeled a chair around and sat on it backwards, uninvited.

“Go away, Spike.”


Xander looked up, opened his mouth, closed it, and just shrugged. He went back to playing with the condensation rings.

Spike sighed and rested his chin on his arms. “Are you bored, too?”

“I’m having one of the very best times of my life, thank you.” Xander didn’t look up.

“There’s nothing wrong with being bored. There’s lots of things one can do to not be bored, also.”

“I’m sure you’re an expert.”

“Damn straight. Over a hundred and fifty years old, man and vampire. I’ve seen a lot of boredom, mate. And since the government shoved this chip up my brain most of my boredom fighting techniques have been taken away.”

Xander glanced up at the neutered vampire, “Like I’m supposed to feel sorry for you cause you can’t go out and rape and kill when you’re bored.”

“Don’t forget torture.” Spike held up a hand. “Not asking for sympathy, Mate. Just explaining. I know a lot about the nature of boredom.”

Xander could hear that Spike was in speech mode, not unlike what Giles would get in, and he sighed. “So, what, you’re going to bore me further with a lecture on the topic?”

Spike stared at the boy a moment more, then stood up. “I’ll go. Has to be something better to do, somewhere.”

Xander hesitated. “No. Wait.” Spike looked down at him, one eyebrow raised expectantly. “Please. Stay. Enlighten me.” Xander waved at the recently vacated chair.

Spike grinned. “See. You’re learning already.” He sat back down. “Point the first. If life throws you something that remotely changes your present bored state, give it a look before you discard it.” The waitress finally arrived with Xander’s wings and Spike automatically grabbed one.

“Hey! Get your own.” Spike ordered some wings extra hot and an imported beer, laying the flirt thick on the waitress. “I’m not paying for that,” Xander put in after the girl left. “And why flirt with the waitress? Everyone knows she’s happily taken.”

Spike turned his chair around and leaned back, gnawing on the purloined chicken wing. “Lesson the second. When you're bored, entertain the bored. Poor girl needs a bit of attention outside her domestic stock. I bet five bucks my wings get out here faster than yours did.”

“You’re on.” Xander was secure in his bet. He had watched the few other patrons fret and wait for their food for some time. “Mine took 20 minutes.”

“It was 30. I’ve been on the catwalk all night.” Spike pointed up to the shadowed tables across the dance floor and above them, then crossed his arms smugly. “See. You’re having a better time already.”

Xander just shrugged and ate his wings. “What other wisdom can you impart, Yoda?”

“Look at what you’ve got in different ways. If you had opened your eyes and looked around, you would’ve seen me up there. You know, you’ve been around the Slayer enough you should’ve picked up some of these things. You should be aware when danger is lurking.” Spike finished the wing and licked his fingers clean.

“Danger. You. Right. What would I've gained by knowing you were up there?”

Spike pursed his lips a second. “Well, you could’ve gotten mad at the thought I dare come here before you. You could’ve left and wandered elsewhere, maybe finding someone to talk to. You could’ve come to tease and torment the neutered vampire. You could’ve asked me to play pool. You could’ve had the time-occupying thoughts of wondering what I was up to, or if I would come talk to you, or even come up and offered to buy me some wings.”

“Explain to me why I would've considered any of those things involving being nice to you.”

“Because you're bored, twit.” A big grin spread across Spike’s angular features. “Pay me.”

“What? It’s barely been 10 minutes.” He looked to the kitchen to see the waitress coming their way with a tray.

“Wings, extra hot, one beer,” she smiled warmly at Spike, showing extra cleavage as she set his order down.

Spike smiled right back. “Thank you, Pet.” She turned to leave. “Wait a sec, Luv.” Spike held his hand out to Xander who looked at it dumbly. Spike snapped his fingers, making Xander start and hand him a five. Spike passed it to the girl with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Keep my tab running, will you?”

“Anything else for you, sir?”

“I’m good, Pet. Thanks.” She left with a happy smile.

His point proven, Spike tucked into his wings. Xander wrinkled his nose. “How can you eat the extra hot ones?”

“I can taste them better. Plus, there’s no way you’ll steal any of them.” Spike ate another wing, licking the bright red sauce off his fingers. Xander took one of his extra napkins and tossed it to Spike. “Does this bother you?” Spike stuck one red-coated finger deep in his mouth and slowly drew it out.

“You’re a slob.”

Spike eyed his wings and grinned. Between one blink and the next his face morphed to the face of a demon, making Xander startle back. Spike poked his tongue out between the sharp teeth he was showing in a wide grin. “I think it’s because it looks like blood.” He shook his head and the vamp face was gone.

“Mrs. Manners should write a chapter for your kind,” Xander said, cleaning up the beer which had slopped out of his glass when he jumped.

“If she did, we’d just know when it was most fun to break the rules.” Spike polished off a couple more wings. “This is the next lesson. Seek things which cause a change in emotion. I guess that’s why so many drunks wind up dead. They drink because they’re bored, and that leads to thrill seeking, and walking in dark alleys with strange handsome men.” He wiped his mouth and fingers with exaggerated care before picking up his beer.

“Okay, so you are suggesting we go bungee jumping?”

“No. I’m saying that if you insist on acting bored, you will only stay bored. Stay alert for things to shake you out of it. You were only bored when I came down. What have you been since then?”

“Well, mad. Annoyed. Disgusted.”

“Scared,” Spike added to his list. Xander glared it him. The waitress came over and both order another beer.

“How do you feel now? Still bored?”

Xander considered for a minute. “Less bored. Still annoyed. And a bit gassy.”

Spike looked at him with tilted head. “I don’t think you quite get that point.” Spike got up, walked to the jukebox, fed in quarters, and punched a few buttons. The strains of the Madonna song which was playing earlier come on before Spike reached the table. “You were listening intently to this when I came up. Listen again.”

“Why? It’s gibberish.”

“Is it? Listen.”


Young velvet porcelain boy / Devour me when you're with me
Blue wish window seas / Speak delicious fires


Xander looked worried at the vampire. Spike was sitting back, watching him listen, slowly sucking the hot sauce off his chicken wings, and licking his fingers clean.


        Moist warm desire / Fly to me


Xander shifted uncomfortably in his seat.


The sacred nerve is magic poison / It's candy, it's candy

You're a candy perfume boy /You're candy


The song ended, the Ramones came on, and Spike started bobbing his head and singing along about being sedated.

Xander watched, puzzled, until the song ended. “What was that about?” he asked in the pause between songs.

“The Ramones. Incredible  group. I saw ‘em play live several times.”

Xander shook his head. “Not that. That’s something I’d expect you to play. The Madonna. Why’d you play it?” Spike was now playing drums on the tabletop, singing along to “Dead Man’s Party,” and apparently not listening. “Spike!”

“Huh? Sorry. Brilliant song. I wonder if Danny Elfman’s a vampire?”

“Why did you play the Madonna song?”

Spike left off his drumming and leaned forward, pinning Xander with his bright blue gaze. “Why do you think I did?”

Xander was suddenly uncomfortable. “I don’t know. That’s why I asked you. You said it meant something.”

Spike shook his head, slowly. “I said it wasn’t gibberish.” He tilted his head to one side and his eyes sparkled. “What do you think it means, Xander?”

“I don’t know!”

“’Young velvet porcelain boy.  Devour me when you're with me,’” Spike quoted, his voice a low purr. “’You're a candy perfume boy. You're candy.”

Xander pulled back from the vampire who was now oozing more sex at him than he had ever had focused on him. Not even his girlfriend Anya had so totally, psychically undressed him and done naughty things. “I… I heard it.”

“So what does it mean?” Spike licked his lips, his voice low.

“I don’t know.” He frantically looked around the room for an escape. “Maybe… maybe Willow can find a Madonna web site for us and find out. Let’s go find Willow.”

“Listening to it, thinking about it, and knowing I played it for you? How did it make you feel?” Spike took the last wing off his plate and slowly sucked the sauce off of it.

“Horny!” Xander slapped his hand over his mouth as if he had just let out a state secret in front of an enemy spy.

Spike dropped all sexual predator and was instantly snarky Spike, leaning back and finishing his wing. “Now that was fun.”

“What? Huh? What fun? I missed fun?” Xander was dizzy from the transformation.

Spike laughed. “If you act other than bored, you’ll not be bored for as long. I pretended to be interested in you, and from that, you got a bit of fear and arousal. I got the fun of making you uncomfortable. Therefore, I’m not bored for a while.”

“Hey! I was not aroused.” Xander was careful to not lean back in his chair.

Spike snorted and lit a cigarette. “I can smell it, Mate. If I had leaned over and kissed you, you would’ve been legs up on the pool table in a heart beat.”

“Ew! No!”

“Plus, I can treasure the thought that every time you hear that song, you’ll think of me sucking on a chicken wing and the way that made you feel. That’ll give both of us something to think about next time we’re bored.”

“Good thing it’s not in heavy rotation any more!”

Spike pulled his feet under him and got ready to stand. “I have one last bit of advice to impart, master Xander. It is this; When the opportunity comes along to do something interesting that costs you nothing, or next to nothing, do it.”

“Like what?”

“Sit and talk with anyone. Even someone you hate. Beats being bored.” He stood up and patted Xander on the head. “I think I’ll go somewhere else and see if I can pick up a bird for the evening. Thanks for making me less bored.”

Xander sat drinking at his table for the next hour. When last call came he paid his tab, tipping the waitress heavily. He went over to the jukebox and played the Madonna song one more time before heading home alone, feeling a little less bored with his life.

Notes: Lyrics "Candy Perfume Girl" off of the album "Ray of Light" by Madonna

Behind-The-Scenes: I was listening to "Ray of Light." The idea of Spike teasing Xander came to mind. From that followed the idea of how many talents Spike must have to have lived so long.

For some slash, see the R rated sequels.

Candy Perfume Vamp

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